butterbuns: (¤DoC¤ NP/DOC)
I've never been particularly good at friendships. At relationships. At people. I have a hard time being around folks who don't know me incredibly well (and these days there aren't many of those,) and having anything but inane conversations. The banal topics of the weather, and what was watched on TV the night before are my common go-tos, when I absolutely have to talk about something other than work.

I let people slip away, because it's easier. Usually. The thought that I could reach out is there, always, in the back of my mind, but the rest of it is taken over with the thought that while I could do that, if I don't, it doesn't give anyone further chance to hurt me. I've made some terrible friendship choices, somehow I always end up with the people who have no qualms about stabbing their friends in the back. So I don't reach out anymore.

These days though, there's this part of me, deep, deep down that's tired of it. Tired of being the person who people only come to when they have a problem. Tired of sitting home alone, bored and kinda lonely. I pretend that I'm fine with it, and that works, because it's easy. Easier than putting myself out there for more rejection, at least.

But I got this text the other day, from someone who I'm not even that close to, after posting on Facebook that I wasn't feeling well, telling me that I wasn't "allowed to be sick, and stop falling apart, dammit." And it brought a smile to my face, not because the thought of someone demanding my body behave was funny, or even a happy thought, but because someone sent me that text at all. She followed it up with an "I miss you" which actually made me cry, and wonder if maybe I was writing people off who I shouldn't be, even those who I wasn't that close to.

It makes me want to put myself out there, to try and re-find a good group of friends, maybe even a relationship, as lulzy as that thought is for anyone who knows me.

And what I hate to say, what I have a hard time admitting even to myself is...

I'm so afraid.

Post written for week 2 of [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol
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Date: 2011-10-28 05:03 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] rhetoricians.livejournal.com
I know how you feel, bb. This was very raw stuff, and it showed. Props for putting yourself on the line like that.

Date: 2011-10-28 05:13 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] milk-and-glass.livejournal.com
Wow, powerful. *HUGS* for you.

Date: 2011-10-28 05:39 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] vampedvixen.livejournal.com
I've been there. In fact, I'm going through a bout of this right now myself. Connecting to people is very hard work.. I think it's rewarding though, or at least I like to hope so.

Date: 2011-10-28 06:23 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] sweeny-todd.livejournal.com
relationships are so hard. I can totally relate to what you have written!

Date: 2011-10-28 06:48 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] tigrkittn.livejournal.com
I can relate to this so well! Bravo for putting it out there this way - great entry!

Date: 2011-10-28 10:21 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] vaguelyclear.livejournal.com
I can definitely relate. *hugs*

Date: 2011-10-28 12:56 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] solstice-singer.livejournal.com
This was a really courageous piece to write. I'm not good with groups of people either, and often feel that I'm just not cut out for relationships. So, I can relate a little to what you've written here.

Date: 2011-10-28 01:02 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] n3m3sis42.livejournal.com
The first step is admitting it. You have that out of the way now. *hugs*

Date: 2011-10-28 05:03 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] team-jessie.livejournal.com
Powerful stuff! Nice work!

Date: 2011-10-28 05:38 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] indyangel.livejournal.com
I can relate and I'm going through similar things to you at the moment.

This is very raw and powerful. I like it.

Date: 2011-10-28 06:01 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] greenfernway.livejournal.com
this could be about me. Nicely written.

Date: 2011-10-28 07:11 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] snack-size.livejournal.com
poignant and very well written - and I know exactly how you feel, since right now I feel like I'm cocooning. I think you really integrated the fear part of this very well.

Date: 2011-10-28 08:24 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] myrna-bird.livejournal.com
Nice honest take.

Date: 2011-10-28 09:06 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] raynbo0701.livejournal.com
I totally understand the place this entry comes from. It's hard to break down those walls once they've been built.

Date: 2011-10-28 09:25 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] rabid1st.livejournal.com
We are all afraid, I think, somewhere deep inside. Those of us who aren't too calloused to feel, at least. Shared fears is one of the easiest ways to connect to someone. Just let them know that they are safe with you and there is no need to be afraid. Think about their fear not yours and let the sympathy carry you through the hard parts of it. People want to tell you about their sorrows and all you have to do is be willing to listen and nod.

Good luck getting out of your shell. As a fellow turtle, one who never knows what to say to anyone in person and never used to even try, you have my empathy.

Date: 2011-10-28 10:11 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] from-the-pit.livejournal.com
Finding friends is so hard, but so important. I hope you can get over your fear.

Date: 2011-10-28 10:40 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] sffl.livejournal.com
I'm afraid of putting myself out there, too. I.. just don't know how to approach people most of the time, or even what to say. Too afraid of being judged, I suppose.

Date: 2011-10-28 10:56 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] basric.livejournal.com
That is certainly putting yourself out there, Welcome. Nicely done.

Date: 2011-10-28 11:35 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] zeitgeistic.livejournal.com
It really is easier to let people slip away sometimes, as sad as that is. I hope you find a way to get over your fear. :)

Date: 2011-10-29 02:16 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] vaudy.livejournal.com
I can relate to this so much. Thank you for sharing it.

Date: 2011-10-29 02:20 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] poppetawoppet.livejournal.com
I had to look twice to make sure I hadn't wandered onto my own journal. Your three words describe the very heart of me, and boy is it hard get past.

Date: 2011-10-29 02:23 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] qa.livejournal.com
I really relate to this. Great job.

Date: 2011-10-29 12:03 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] frecklestars.livejournal.com
I know. It sucks to be this afraid. *hugs*

Date: 2011-10-29 06:03 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] noodledays.livejournal.com
it can be a damn hard admission - good luck to you!

Date: 2011-10-29 10:38 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] kehlen-crow.livejournal.com
Thank you for writing this.
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