butterbuns: (¤DoC¤ NP/DOC)
I've never been particularly good at friendships. At relationships. At people. I have a hard time being around folks who don't know me incredibly well (and these days there aren't many of those,) and having anything but inane conversations. The banal topics of the weather, and what was watched on TV the night before are my common go-tos, when I absolutely have to talk about something other than work.

I let people slip away, because it's easier. Usually. The thought that I could reach out is there, always, in the back of my mind, but the rest of it is taken over with the thought that while I could do that, if I don't, it doesn't give anyone further chance to hurt me. I've made some terrible friendship choices, somehow I always end up with the people who have no qualms about stabbing their friends in the back. So I don't reach out anymore.

These days though, there's this part of me, deep, deep down that's tired of it. Tired of being the person who people only come to when they have a problem. Tired of sitting home alone, bored and kinda lonely. I pretend that I'm fine with it, and that works, because it's easy. Easier than putting myself out there for more rejection, at least.

But I got this text the other day, from someone who I'm not even that close to, after posting on Facebook that I wasn't feeling well, telling me that I wasn't "allowed to be sick, and stop falling apart, dammit." And it brought a smile to my face, not because the thought of someone demanding my body behave was funny, or even a happy thought, but because someone sent me that text at all. She followed it up with an "I miss you" which actually made me cry, and wonder if maybe I was writing people off who I shouldn't be, even those who I wasn't that close to.

It makes me want to put myself out there, to try and re-find a good group of friends, maybe even a relationship, as lulzy as that thought is for anyone who knows me.

And what I hate to say, what I have a hard time admitting even to myself is...

I'm so afraid.

Post written for week 2 of [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol

LJ Idol!

Oct. 13th, 2011 11:39 pm
butterbuns: (¤Words¤ WTF?)
So it's that time of year again. No, not NaNo time. [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol time!

This'll be my third year playing, and maybe, just maybe this year I can get a little farther before real life sucks my soul out again XD
butterbuns: (¤NP¤ kitteph)
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

~The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost

I've moved from Germany, to Quebec, to Alberta, to Ontario. Then around in Ontario a few times.

I've gone from being a pipsqueak of a little kid to being a 21 year old.

I was a straight A student, a nerd of the highest order, and I plummeted to a barely scraping by with a C student.

Bubbly and social, I've turned into a complete introvert.

None of this would I change.

Well, no, that's a bit of a lie. I'd probably change the slacker part. I really do wish I'd gotten better grades in school. Hell, I wish I'd GONE to school more. And actually finished college. But I'd be a very different person than I am now. And I'm finally starting to be okay with who I am, and finally like myself. And that's because of the choices I've made in my past.

I've always made the easy choices in my life. Hard work and effort and I have never really been friends. I float by. The things that I really try for...well, they tend to be the stupid shit that I like. Not that things that I have to do.

But that's the choice I've made.
butterbuns: (¤CJ¤ Empty)
and the days are drifting into seasons
they're the hardest I have ever known
a million spaces in the earth to fill but
there's no going home
no going home

~Kate Rusby & Kathryn Roberts - Exile

21 years old. College drop out. Single. Introvert. Anxious. Afraid of mistakes.

These are all things that describe me. But so does one other thing.

Back at home.

We've all heard since a young age that supposedly you can't go home again. It's in songs, the theme in TV, movies and books, and is drilled into us from every angle.

My biggest failure to date has been the fact that I've had to move home. I couldn't find a job, couldn't pay my rent without one, and would never have expected my parents to pay it for me. So I moved back to my parents house after being gone for three and a half years. It feels as though nothing's changed since I left the last time, except that now I have a job rather than high school to go to. I still keep my own schedule, do the same portion of the housework I did then, take care of the dog. At a baser level, nothing has changed.

Except that everything has.

My schedule no longer gets me in trouble as it did when I was 17, and my parents decided that my sleeping in until noon on the weekends was a problem. Now I sleep until noon most days, and not a word. I'm not afraid the way I was at 15/16/17 of being told that I was going to be kicked out. I've already left. It's turned into even more of a hollow threat than it was in the past. Oh no, I'm going to have to do something that I've done for the last three years? Horror. I have more freedom to do what I want, and live the life I want without my parents interfering (to a degree), and I love it.

So many good things have come from my moving home after time away, and it's great, and I wouldn't give it up for anything, especially because it was a very needed change.

But at the same time I miss that security net that I had as a minor, that knowledge that certain things, food and shelter were guaranteed. And I know nothing will ever manage to bring that back.
butterbuns: (¤Who¤ Busy)
I hate when people say "don't take things so personally." My mom says it to me all the time when I get upset over someone saying something. Which admittedly, is kind of a lot. I take a lot of things to heart. It's why I put on this facade of being a cold bitch, because it's just easier. It's easier to make people think that you just don't give a shit what they're saying about you, that it's no skin off your nose.

That way they don't win.

They don't see that what they're saying is hurting you, is getting you down. They don't gain the upper hand.

I was the kid, who in elementary school, from grade four on was made fun of...almost every day. Right up until I started high school. Well, no, even in high school, but I think my high school experience was pretty mild compared to a lot of peoples. But every day I was in school out in Alberta, I was made fun of. I had kids from the other schools making fun of me. Of course, by the time I hit grade 7, it didn't help that kids from those schools lived in my street, so I had to see them every day.

There was this one bitch named Melina, who lived two houses down from me, and one named Kayla who lived a few houses the other direction. They had this gang of kids who lived in the same area, who would waft back and forth between the two of them, whenever one of them suddenly decided we were friends, for a whole week! The other kids? Nuh-uh. They sided with whoever didn't like me that day. It got old quickly.

I never really got beat up. I didn't have people shoving me into lockers, throwing things at me, or trying to hurt me. Sure I got the occasional facewash in the winter, but who didn't? No, I got the stupid insults, the gossip behind my back. All the time, from everyone around me. I got it for every little tiny reason. I was tall. I was smart. I had red hair; freckles; glasses. I didn't shave. I didn't have any of the "big" things people got teased for.

But that doesn't make it hurt any less. And my mom used to tell me not to take it personally, that kids will be kids. But how do you not take it personally, when people are attacking, well, your person?

So I put on my disguise like a costume every day, I go out and I live my life. The people out there who feel like being like those girls I knew when I was little? They're never going to know they're winning.

I won't let them.

It may be personal, I may cry, but they won't win.
butterbuns: (¤House¤ No)
Sometimes we get second chances,
and sometimes we never make it past the first,
it really makes you wonder why some things happen when they do,
it really makes me wonder why it wasn't me instead of you

-Michelle Branch

I feel there's some sort of irony in this, me writing an introduction for a second chance at [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol.

I'm not big on second chances. I don't like to give them to people. Not because I don't think people have the ability to change, but because I think a lot of people just don't want to. I've been burned by people over and over, and I keep giving them chances. I don't know that I'll ever learn. But I have a hard time letting go of things. And not always for the best.

That's why I'm taking another run at this. I do want to change. And so much in my life has changed since this season of Idol originally started. My life was a complete mess then, and now I find myself living back with my parents, with a decent job (that I sort of hate, but hey it's a job), and actually dealing with some of my issues.

It's a lot of big changes in a really short amount of time, and at least now I sort of know who I am.

And hopefully this time I'll have time to actually write more than just an intro entry.

Also as an aside, Second Chances is one of my favorite episodes of my once upon a time favorite show, Crossing Jordan. So I am LOLing a little bit XD
butterbuns: (¤Friends¤ Prison Bitches)
How do you introduce yourself to people, when you don't even know who you are? I guess that's the question I'm really still trying to figure out. Well, both who I am, and who I am to other people. Even a little while ago, I probably would have known how to answer this topic. But so much has changed in such a short amount of time, and I've realized so many things about myself, that I'm at somewhat of a loss. And no, I'm not going to explain everything in my life now, if you want to know, I guess you'll have to keep voting for me ;) I also hate online introductions, because they feel so rushed and forced. If we were meeting in real life, most of these things wouldn't come up for weeks, if not for months.

So I guess I'll just go with the basics for now, and see what happens.

Choo choo, all aboard the LJ Idol train! )

And DA has refused to load for me all day, so...that's about it.
butterbuns: (¤Who¤ Hop!)
Guys, November is going to make me blow my brains out. The stuff I've been posting about, plus NaNoWriMo (which I have no ideas for yet, argh)....

and [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol!! (And I am so going to do better than I did last year with my fail attempt)
butterbuns: (¤DoC¤ the family)
Saturday, October 16th at 8am local time, a 24 hour gaming marathon hosted by Extra Life. The goal is for sponsors to pledge even just a dollar an hour in hopes that their player(s) will make it the full 24 hours.

I'm personally playing to raise money for the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario and my page for it is here if anyone wants to donate.

I'll be spending a majority of that time playing WoW, although I'm sure I'll be taking breaks from that and playing on my iPod every once in a while because wow, finger cramps XD

To find out more, or join up yourself, the link is here

Please, if you aren't participating, at least consider donating. At a dollar an hour, that's a maximum of $24. If enough people donate, that can really help out these hospitals.

If you can't afford to do that (which I totally get), if you could at least signal boost, I'd love you forever. :)

I'm leaving this post public, should anyone want to link back to it on their own journals, which would be awesome.

IC Ad!

Nov. 21st, 2009 04:58 pm
butterbuns: (¤Who¤ Trio)
In Cardiff

If you've ever seen Doctor Who and/or Torchwood, you might know that Cardiff is a bit of an interesting place. We're not here to re-hash Whoniverse canon, we're not here to fight aliens, we're here to live... In Cardiff, where anything and anyone can turn up.

The thing about Cardiff - it's built on a rift in time and space.

[livejournal.com profile] incardiff is a panfandom, LJ-based roleplaying community which accepts characters from any and call canons, set in present day Cardiff. It is intended to be a low-intensity, high-quality game, with a minimum of fuss and drama. There are no scheduled, game-wide events, or contrived mod-plots-- just characters living, working, and interacting within the city.

The city in-game is a semi-realistic representation of the real-life Cardiff... With some inclusions from Doctor Who canon-- such as the Rift. As per the canon, Cardiff is situated on a "Rift"-- a fictional tear in space and time, one end of which is located in Cardiff Bay, Wales, with the other end floating freely through space-time. Matter and radiation can pass through the Rift, allowing extraterrestrial and extratemporal artifacts, and occasionally life-forms, to "wash up" in Cardiff.

It is described as being 'a gateway for alien creatures, weapons, technology and time anomalies to enter our world'. This means any character from any canon could conceivably arrive in-game, and it provides an interesting backdrop for an RP, since characters can find, interact with, or experience almost anything they choose.

Have a fantastic life.
Compressed information.

Premise | Frequently Asked Questions | Rules | Taken Characters | Application Information & Application | Reserved Characters | Unplayable Characters | Wanted Characters | Mod Contact

In-game locations | Torchwood | Twitter Service | Tea & Gossip

Player Resources:
Friends Add List | Player Contact | Unplayable Characters Request Form | Tagging Tips | Drop Post | Address Book | Calendar of Fun Stuff

Communities & Journals:
[livejournal.com profile] cardiffmods | [livejournal.com profile] incardiff | [livejournal.com profile] incardifflogs | [livejournal.com profile] incardiffooc | [livejournal.com profile] cardiffcalendar

butterbuns: (¤Friends¤ Pee on it)
Wow, I left this to the wire, didn't I? Well, in any case, I'm sure anyone who knows me and saw the topics probably saw this coming.

Throughout history, the ethics of sexuality have gone back and forth, from what amounts to polygamy being totally acceptable, to oh god, if you sleep with someone you're not married to...YOU WILL DIE. We're currently in a place where there's supposed sexual freedom (err, to a point) yet that doesn't seem to be the case. You sleep with too many people, and as a female you're branded a whore, a slut, dirty, what have you. As a male? It's almost accepted completely.

I'm nearly 20 years old, and I'm still a virgin. According to people I know, I'm a prude. I'm frigid. I'm chicken-shit.

The reason? Is none of the above. I haven't seriously dated anyone since ninth grade, and since I think thirteen is way too young an age to start getting it on, well that clearly wasn't happening.

Why haven't I dated since?

Easy. I have standards. People tell me they're too high, and I disagree. Why is it ridiculous to think I would want to date someone who I'm attracted to, both mentally and physically? I don't want to date someone who's drop dead sexy, but has a complete lack of brain activity. Nor do I want to date someone who I feel absolutely no physical attraction to, but who I could talk with for hours and never get bored. Just haven't found the right medium.

But I digress.

It's not that I'm afraid, or just a prude. I'm not waiting till marriage, or for that oh my god! special moment. If people can make their choices to be out there sexually, and do whatever they feel is right, why is it that people take such issue with what I choose to do?

Hell, I've had a friend tell me to just "get it over with" and while I've thought about it, I just can't. It's not how I am, and it never has been.

If you look at other cultures, they have set standards as to what is and isn't acceptable. The one I live in isn't so stringent. You're given the ability to make your own choices, the chance to do what you feel is right for you. I've chosen to make this one, and I'm not sure what's so wrong about that.

The ethics of sexuality are not clearly defined, and have never been more confusing.

I hate feeling as though I'm being judged for not doing something, especially something with reprecussions like sex can have.

That whole looking before you leap thing, it's how I am about everything. It's not going to change just because people think I'm weird for still being a virgin. No matter what they say.
butterbuns: (¤House¤ Elfin)
There are no two words in the English language, or any other that I speak, in which I remotely enjoy the words "I'm sorry." Those words make me cringe, because how often are they really meant? How often is the feeling behind them actually apologetic or sincere? How often are they just the words people grasp for when they have nothing else to say?

I'd rather hear silence.

My hatred of these words began when I was twelve. The scariest day of my life when my family basically, completely and utterly fell apart. The day my life changed, and nothing will ever fix the crack that started that day. Nothing will ever make things better, nothing will ever be able to make my heart feel whole again.

When I was twelve, my grandmother died on our driveway. The panic, the tears, the being sent to a friends while my parents went to the hospital with her. It wasn't fair. I wanted to be there too, why should I have to sit and wait, find out after everyone else? But there was nothing to find out. My mom said she'd be fine, so she was going to be completely okay, nevermind the fact that it was Feburary, no one knew how long she'd been lying there after her heart attack and she wasn't breathing for god knows how long.

My mom lied.

Three hours later when my mom finally came to get me, as soon as I saw her face, I knew. I knew she was gone. The woman who had been more of my mother than my real mother, taken away in the blink of an eye for absolutely no reason.

So when my mom tried to hug me, and the words I'm sorry came out of her mouth, I ran. Shoved my feet into my boots and bolted home, only to slam into my father who instantly grabbed me, wrapping his arms around me and muttering the words "I'm sorry" over and over.

I'm sorry? What did that even mean? There was nothing to be sorry FOR. It's not like he'd done anything wrong, and it certainly wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that it was going to be okay. I wanted to know that it was okay, just some terribly cruel joke my parents thought it would be funny.

It wasn't.

Going back to school two days later, because I couldn't stay home anymore, having already missed about three weeks thanks to a teachers strike that was going on, people who heard what happened kept coming up and saying they were sorry. People who never even met her. There was a part of me that just wanted to shake them and ask WHY they were sorry, they hadn't done anything. I would have rather someone a "Shit, that sucks" or a "Man, that's terrible, anything I can do?" To this day, I'd rather have an honest response like that, than an "I'm sorry." Even a bad joke. Like when my cat died, and my mom kept stroking my hair. The best comment anyone made that day? The only thing to make me laugh? "Maybe she's doing it because she doesn't have a cat to pet anymore." Granted, I acted angry, because it seemed like the appropriate response, and I regret it. Because I did laugh.

I'm so sick of "appropriate responses."

To this day, the only people I want to hear the words "I'm sorry" from are my parents. Because that day? That day they began to fail as parents and as a couple. She was the glue that held them together, and without her they refused to even try to pretend. They are the only people I want an "I'm sorry" from, for making me scared of ever being in a relationship, for having a disfunctional teenage-hood, and for never being able to get along, yet refusing to be apart.

But only if it's not empty words.

The words I'm sorry just make me shake my head and wonder why, when people haven't even done anything to be sorry for.

I hate that the words have become and empty gesture, and that I'm just as guilty of saying it because it's become the expected answer when someone goes through tragedy, or has a problem.

And it shouldn't be.
butterbuns: (¤Who¤ Skipping)
Okay, since I apparently need a reason to make myself post, I'm participating in [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol this round.

I've been reading LJ, but apart from the occasional comment (and wank), I haven't really been saying a whole lot, sorry guys! I am reading your entries!

Life's just been...well, life. Crazy. And now, especially now that Gill and I are talking again, everything feels sort of zen. Until, y'know, I look at my pile of homework. Then everything goes to hell again.

Stupid college.

But anyway, back to the point, right. Yeah, LJ Idol.

My LJ's mostly F/O, clearly, but these entries will be public, at least for now, possibly F/Oing them after, just to keep things neat and clean.



I'm Saskia, I live in Ontario, Canada where I'm in my third year of college. Yay for jumping around between programs. I was born in Germany almost 20 years ago, in Baden-Baden (points to anyone who can figure out what that means XD), and moved on Quebec when I was 2 and a half. Six months after my eighth birthday my family moved out to Alberta, and another six years later moved to Ontario. Ottawa, le capital to be specific.

No RL stalking, or I'll have to sic rabid zombies on you, and I don't think anyone would appreciate that one.

This is my first year participating in LJ Idol, sheerly for the fact that life blows, and I've always been too busy to do it before.

Y'all might not like me and might think I'm a massive bitch, but you know what? That's okay. Because honestly? I am. It's a fact that I've come to accept about myself (and as I've grown older realized really just how alike my mother and I are, oh god), and well, if you don't like it, I can't do anything about that, but I'm not one to censor myself often.

So, uh, guess that's all the important jazz.

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