they're the hardest I have ever known
a million spaces in the earth to fill but
there's no going home
no going home
~Kate Rusby & Kathryn Roberts - Exile
21 years old. College drop out. Single. Introvert. Anxious. Afraid of mistakes.
These are all things that describe me. But so does one other thing.
Back at home.
We've all heard since a young age that supposedly you can't go home again. It's in songs, the theme in TV, movies and books, and is drilled into us from every angle.
My biggest failure to date has been the fact that I've had to move home. I couldn't find a job, couldn't pay my rent without one, and would never have expected my parents to pay it for me. So I moved back to my parents house after being gone for three and a half years. It feels as though nothing's changed since I left the last time, except that now I have a job rather than high school to go to. I still keep my own schedule, do the same portion of the housework I did then, take care of the dog. At a baser level, nothing has changed.
Except that everything has.
My schedule no longer gets me in trouble as it did when I was 17, and my parents decided that my sleeping in until noon on the weekends was a problem. Now I sleep until noon most days, and not a word. I'm not afraid the way I was at 15/16/17 of being told that I was going to be kicked out. I've already left. It's turned into even more of a hollow threat than it was in the past. Oh no, I'm going to have to do something that I've done for the last three years? Horror. I have more freedom to do what I want, and live the life I want without my parents interfering (to a degree), and I love it.
So many good things have come from my moving home after time away, and it's great, and I wouldn't give it up for anything, especially because it was a very needed change.
But at the same time I miss that security net that I had as a minor, that knowledge that certain things, food and shelter were guaranteed. And I know nothing will ever manage to bring that back.